1) When you ask direct questions about things you’ve seen in the historical stock-return data, all you hear in response are vague references to “efficient market theory” which do not really seem to be responsive to the questions asked.

2) When you raise the possibility that maybe you allowed yourself to get in this thing too far too fast, the glib reply is: “You and me are in this together for the long-term, aren’t we, babe?”

3) When you point out that you still don’t have a ring on your finger, the focus changes from the long-term to the short-term and you hear a detailed recounting of the wild times you enjoyed together back in the late ’90s.

4) When you note that most of your friends have better balanced portfolios, you are told that the problem is that you talk to your friends too much.

5) When you bring up the white lies, you get back smooth talk. Too smooth.

6) When you observe that it’s just not fun anymore, you are instructed in a patronizing tone to: “Stay the Course!”

7) When you raise the possibility of seeing a counselor, you are informed that “there’s nothing to talk about, you can take me as I am or let me go.”

8 ) When your friends ask how you’ve been doing lately, you find yourself trying to change the subject.

9) When you observe that you are coming to admire the good points of TIPS and ibonds, you get the silent treatment.